If I Was Your Zombie
by ImmortalityBites
Summary: Entry for a Halloween themed challenge. I think this quote about sums it up: The dead had inexplicably risen and were roaming the earth, yet Jack’s libido never rested. JackIanto. Other TWies included. HumorHorrorFluffKink.


**Title:** If I Was Your Zombie…  
**Rating:** PG-13 (sexual innuendo and zombie violence)  
**Characters:** Jack/Ianto, and Torchwood team  
**Genre:** Humor/Horror/Fluff/Kink  
**Warnings:** Slashiness and debatably a dash of crack  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary:** I think this quote about sums it up: "The dead had inexplicably risen and were roaming the earth, yet Jack's libido never rested."  
**Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine.

"Jack! What do we do?" Ianto breathlessly accosted his Captain as the two hastily made their way down the streets of Cardiff. It was becoming increasingly difficult for him to keep up in his fitted designer suit.

"We run!" Jack huffed back, his grey overcoat flapping boisterously behind him, much like the horde of zombies that were stalking jerkily towards them.

"Yes…." Even while sprinting and half out of breath Ianto's voice remained remarkably smooth, and the distain in his voice was evident. "What then?"

"We hide!" Jack hurriedly explained as he dodged an abandoned car. "Ah-ha!" He cried triumphantly as he tried a nearby shop door and it swung open merrily with chimes ringing from above. He snatched Ianto's arm and roughly yanked him through the shop door, slamming it tight once they were both safely inside. After he had managed to catch his breath he turned around to see Ianto bent over with his hands propped on his knees, still breathing hard. Jack sucked in a lungful of crisp air and made his way over to the laboring man. Placing a hand on the middle of his back, Jack used his other arm to straighten Ianto into standing position.

"I don't think this is the right time to be hitting on me, sir." Ianto observed huskily. Nevertheless he did not resist being contorted like a marionette.

Jack grinned broadly. "I'm helping. Bending over, although it does offer an enticing view, restricts your diaphragm, making it more difficult for you to breath." Next he grasped Ianto's arms under his sizeable biceps, lifting and bending them so that his hands were now clasped behind his head. He then walked about to stand in front of the Welshman. "Oooh to have a pair of handcuffs right now." He purred longingly.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "You're lucky this is working." He warned as his breathing became more sedated.

"Or what?" Jack challenged, arching an eyebrow suggestively, stepping closer. He inhaled Ianto's scent, a subtle cologne, the sharp twang of sweat, and the bitter cold. "But seriously. Are you alright?" He inquired, breaking the intoxication. "I thought we'd never outrun those flesh eaters."

Ianto chuckled. "Nor did I, sir." He glanced around to have a look at the place. It was an old antique shop, furniture in the front and great big glass cases filled to the brim with various knick knacks that looked to be of significant value in the back. Black and orange streamers dangled from various nooks and crannies, and there was even a lit up Jack-o-lantern on the desk. He wondered vaguely where the owners had gotten to, and if they were even still alive. There had been some warning when the epidemic started, but that did not mean the incident was devoid of casualties. The lucky ones stayed dead, but most had promptly picked themselves off the ground and began to trudge along with the rest of the reanimated bodies with a novel appetite for human brains.

"I can't believe Owen took the car without us!" Jack stated, annoyed, sitting down heavily on an aged French sofa. He began to violently pick at the gold trim on the armrest as his mind rehashed the events that occurred earlier that day: the panicked call from the Prime Minister, the stepping out into the streets and hearing the terrible screams of the living, and the nonstop shuffling of the listless dead. The team had gotten separated in the mayhem, and when Jack and Ianto went back to their original meeting spot the vehicle and the rest of the Torchwood crew were gone.

"At least Gwen and Tosh are safe." Ianto replied with the silver lining.

"True." Jack raised a finger in acknowledgment. He then patted the cushion beside him suggestively. "Fancy a seat?" Ianto cocked an eyebrow incredulously. The dead had inexplicably risen from their graves and were roaming the earth, yet Jack's libido never rested. "I promise to behave." Jack conceded, holding his hands palm out in front of him. Like his hands were what Ianto had to worry about.

Although not completely satisfied with the promise, Ianto gingerly sat down beside his boss, sinking slightly into the crease between the cushions. "Now what?" He shifted uncomfortably in his sweaty suit, yet did not feel like tempting Jack more by removing it.

Jack threw up his hands which had begun to wander in Ianto's general direction. "How should I know? I've never faced zombies before."

"You mean you've never had, ahem, relations with…?" Ianto inquired innocently enough although the mischief in his eyes revealed a more lewd inquiry.

"No!" Jack's mouth contorted into a disgusted yelp. "Why do you people assume I'll shag anything that moves?"

"Or at least anything that doesn't move fast enough." Ianto chortled.

"Hey, necrophilia isn't my thing." He glanced away. "OK fine, that _one_ time! But you would admit that was one good looking corpse."

Ianto nodded in assent, letting it go as one of the more innocuous things that had been revealed about Jack in the time he knew him. "But that still doesn't help our situation." He groaned, leaning his head back on the couch. Jack took this opportunity to place his hand rather dangerously high up on Ianto's leg. "That doesn't help either." Ianto muttered.

"But it doesn't hurt, does it?" Jack questioned. Ianto gave no answer; if the world really was ending, on Halloween of all days, he did not want to waste his last moments fighting off Jack's advances. Jack sighed, leaving his hand where it was, rubbing his index finger in small circles on Ianto's leg. "I guess we just wait."

"Until what?"

"Until we're forced to leave." He said simply.

"Um, sir?" Ianto made a gesture Jack barely just caught out of the corner of his eye. "That might be sooner than you think."

Jack's head snapped around to look where Ianto was patiently pointing. At the store front a flock of zombies had begun to congregate, languidly running their decaying hands across the front windowpanes leaving trails of pus and skin. Their moans were muffled by the glass, but their gaping jaws left no doubt as to what they were after.

"How long do you think that door will hold?" Ianto asked stiffly.

"It's pretty sturdy.I think it'll buy us a fair amount of time."

The new sound chilled their blood; it was the sound of the door knob being shifted. "You did you lock the door, didn't you?" Ianto asked knowing full well what the answer would be. The knob jiggled to the right, then left.

"They're not supposed to be able to do simple tasks like that!" Jack hissed.

"Well they just did." Ianto stated the obvious as the bolt clicked and the door swung inwards. The zombies simply stood there as if they too did not expect it to be that easy, saliva dripping from their chops, and a stench of dirt and blood drifted loftily to the two men who cowered on the couch in front of them.

"On the count of three?"

"One…."

"Two…."

"Run!" Ianto had enough and bolted from the couch, Jack in quick pursuit. Their movements reminded the zombies what they were after and they began to slowly make their way through the doorway, their arms outstretched as if they were literally about to seize their prize.

Halfway to the back of the store Jack stumbled over something soft and slippery, and plowed into Ianto, sending him skidding into one of the glass cases. His weight toppled over a few objects in the case, in effect shattering the old glass. He winced as a sizeable shard stuck in his hand, but was pulled along by Jack who had by this time recovered and was wheeling through the back door onto the street. Ianto glanced back around to see what had caused the mishap and winced at what looked like a Jackson Pollock paint splatter interlaced with chunks of deep red beef. So _that's_ where the owner went.

Swiftly, Jack searched for signs of undead life to his left in the open alley; instead of low groans and growls, he heard the squealing of tires. The two men jumped back just in time to avoid the large black SUV which came swerving around and corner and rumbled by them, skidding to a halt a couple meters past them. A head popped out of the rolled down window. "Oi! What're you two doing there? Let's get a move on, shall we?" Came Owen's belligerent yell. For once the two grinned happily to see the man, and hobbled over to the vehicle. "Hurry up!" He yelped shrilly, and Ianto chanced a look back to see the zombies beginning to filter out of the store, looking to the right and left for their prey. They could clearly see the saliva slip down their cracked lips and broken jaws, their tattered skin and mangled flesh. This expedited their pace, and soon both were in the back seat of the SUV, breathing shallowly.

"We've been looking everywhere for you!" Gwen said from the front, her voice sharp with worry.

"Don't worry; we're fine. Did you find any more about this?" Jack answered shortly, pointedly ignoring Ianto's wounded hand. The injured party, to his credit, bit back the pain and waited patiently beside his boss.

"Yeah _Tosh_'s figured it out." Owen proclaimed, sounding a little put out.

"Oh it was nothing." She said, blushing. "One just has to reconfigurate the caliber of the genetic mutation occurring in rapidly dividing cells…" She slacked off when she realized the team was staring blankly at her. Jack waved a finger at her in a revolving motion to tighten her story up. "But we've got to get back to the Hub to work it all out." She informed them briskly.

Jack smiled warmly at her, and placed a hand firmly on her shoulder. "Good one, Tosh. Knew we could count on you."

The conversation lulled as Owen concentrated on avoiding the roving zombies, Gwen concentrated on Owen, and Tosh reviewed a stack of files in her lap, going over her configurations one last time. Ianto sat stock still against his seat, his hand held gently in his lap. Jack reached under the seat and produced a first aid kit which he promptly broke open, searching for gauze. When he found the item he grunted and reached for Ianto's hand who willingly submitted it. The Captain placed both hands on Ianto's, one caressing his wrist soothingly, the other readying to pull out the shard. Without warning he extracted the glass, and Ianto let out an involuntary gasp of pain. Taking this opportunity Jack leaned forward and covered Ianto's lips with his, attempting to distract the Welshman from the pain. Apparently it (or the endorphins his brain was now producing) worked as Ianto moaned softly, letting the kiss deepen, and accidentally allowing his wounded hand wind its way to the back of Jack's neck, leaving a slight trail of blood.

"This has got to be the most thrilling Halloween I've had in a long time…" Gwen was murmuring to Owen as she turned around to inspect the damage he had incurred after he had mowed down a particularly large zombie, and consequently had been privy to the couple's private moment. She snickered lightly. "Are you sure Ianto's not a zombie, Jack?" She inquired.

"Of course I'm not!" Ianto replied, hurt. "It's not his brains I'm after…."

"Oh can't you give it a rest?" Owen cried from the driver's seat. "Or does this "Night of the Living Dead" crap turn you on?" He shuddered. "Don't answer that."

"Why? Do you want a taste?" Jack laughingly offered to Owen as he reached a hand up to feel the blood on his skin.

"There might not be any left once I'm done." Ianto notified his Captain as he slithered up closer and gently licked the fleshly part of Jack's neck clean.

"You _are_ a kinky bastard!" Jack cried out at this revelation, giggling as he let Ianto run his tongue along the rim of his ear.

"Yeah," Ianto purred into Jack's ear. "But at least I'm not a necrophiliac."

"Not yet you aren't…."

"Please, please, _please_ do stop. Please?" Owen begged, putting his hands to his ears and grimacing.

"Watch it!" Gwen warned as she leaned over to stabilize the wheel.

Jack turned and whispered something in Ianto's ear that was apparently too lewd for the rest of the company, which, knowing Jack, must have been incredibly salacious. Upon hearing whatever secret message that was conveyed Ianto turned a deep shade of crimson. "I never thought of rigor mortis like _that_ before!"

* * *

**A/N:** This is so up my alley. It's an entry for the Halloween themed challenge for the lj community jantolution. I love writing this kind of horror stuff, and to combine it with another love is fantastic. There should be more monster themed TW fic. 


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